Christmas 2001, in the Ice City

Walking on Thin Ice

At the edge of the frozen Song Hua river two men fish like Eskimos through a hole in the ice. Songs ring out as teams of workmen drag giant ice-cubes, block after block, from the river's freezing depths. I sympathise.

One man, attached to the safety of the shore by a thin rope, a single umbilical thread, stands precariously on a floating wedge of ice. He hacks and saws at it, lessening it by degrees in huge chunks. The chill water laps at his feet. The little island of ice shrinks incrementally around him until he’s only on a half square metre. The calm assurance of the man that he won't fall in!

As we walk to the middle of the river, the ice becomes thinner. Murky water flows slowly beneath us with enviable serenity.

Lost

A few nights ago I stood alone at a junction in the city centre without recognising any of the streets. I had no idea which road to take, in which direction the college lay. The neon, green and pink, looked alien, the writing unreadable. Pedestrians hustled past regardless, all bound as quickly as possible, in the minus-thirty temperature, to wherever. I couldn't feel my face, and blinking was becoming difficult as my eye-sockets froze. A policeman, directing traffic like a stranded emperor penguin, peered at me now and again. If I'd had enough Chinese, I'd have told him I was lost and begged him to take me home. No, I mean, home.

Christmas

Two days later, and a dozen hung-over teachers are performing a Christmas panto in a marble and wood concert hall in front of four hundred students and parents. The school had treated us to a turkey dinner at the Holiday Inn the night before, then we'd gone on to the Banana Bar nightclub till five in the morning. We had to drag ourselves out of bed at 7 am.

To begin, Karen, aka Cinderella, sweeps the stage floor, singing sadly along to the pop song I'm a Big, Big Girl in a Big, Big World. The students sigh dutifully. Then, the music suddenly changes to Slade and Clive enters down the aisle, suitably paunchy in Santa outfit, throwing sweets to the now screaming students. He reaches the stage, whereupon the Ugly Sisters (Paul, Andy and Danuka) mug him. Paul, ex-rugby player, gave a super-real performance of kicking Santa in the face. Cinderella runs away. Enter the gnomes (Ken, J, Albert, Patrick and I), who try to wake Santa up. J does some kung fu on the Ugly Sisters, but they pull out a gun and shoot him. The gnomes regroup and perform a terrifying version of the All Blacks' Haka to scare the sisters away. Then Cinderella comes back on and gives Santa the 'snog of life'. We sing Jingle Bells then make a run for it.

Our performance was videoed and appeared on the Harbin TV news some days later. Auntie Wang, the cleaner, got so excited she took a photograph of her television.

The next day, Christmas day, was the longest of my life.